How To Choose A Partner Wisely

How do we choose
the people we fall in love with? In the modern world, under the ideology of ‘Romanticism’ you’re meant above all,
to Trust Your Feelings! Love is a mutual ecstasy at finding a beautiful person, inside and out, with the rare capacity, to make us happy. The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind. It’s originators certainly imagined that it would bring
to an end the sort of unhappy relationships that resulted from the
old ways of finding a partner; the arranged marriage! The only problem is that this call
for us to trust our instincts has very often proved to be
a disaster of its own. Respecting the special feelings
we get around certain people in night-clubs, or train stations;
at parties or on websites and that romanticism so
ably celebrated an art appears not to have led us to be
any happier in our unions The Medieval couple shackled into marriage
by two royal courts keen to preserve the sovereignty
of a slice of ancestral land. Instinct has been little
better than calculation in underwriting the quality
of our love stories. There’s another school of thought: this one influenced by psychotherapy which challenges the notion
that trusting instinct invariably draws us to those
who will make us happy. That’s because the theory points out that we don’t fail in love
first and foremost with those who care for us in ideal ways We fall in love with those who care for
us in familiar ways. And there might be, a big difference. Adult love is modeled on a template of love created in childhood. And is likely to
be entwined with a range of problematic attractions that militate in key ways against our chances of growth
and happiness, as adults. We may believe we are seeking
happiness in love but what we are really after is familiarity We’re looking to recreate
within our adult relationships the very feelings we knew
so well in childhood And which were rarely limited
to just tenderness and care. The love many of us
would’ve tasted early on was confused with other perhaps
more destructive dynamics Feelings of wanting to help an
adult who is out of control or of being deprived of a parent’s warmth. Or scared of his/her anger or of not feeling secure enough to
communicate our trickier wishes How logical then, that we
should as adults find ourselves rejecting certain candidates not because they’re wrong for us but because they’re a little too right In a sense of seeming somehow
excessively balanced, mature, understanding and reliable given that in our hearts such
rightness feels foreign and unearned To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain
compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out
in our feelings of attraction. A useful starting place is to ask ourselves perhaps in the company of a large sheet
of paper, a pen and a free afternoon what sort of people in the abstract
put us off and what kinds excite us. To try to trace back qualities to the
people who first loves us in childhood and to ask ourselves how
much our impulses really are aligned with things
that might make us happy We could stand to discover for example
that slightly distant and sadistic people do always more interesting to us than the so-called ‘nice’ ones. That should make us stop and think. Our honestly described
reactions are legacies They are revealing underlying
assumptions we’ve acquired that what love for us can feel like. We may start to get a clearer picture that our vision of what we’re
looking for in another person might not be in a specially good guide to our personal happiness. Examining our emotional histories we learn that we can’t just
be attracted to anyone we’re limited in the types we have because of certain things that
happened to us in our past. Even if we can’t always
radically shift these pattern it’s useful to know that we’re
carrying a ball and chain It can make us more careful of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by a
certainty that we’ve met the one after just a few minutes
chatting at the bar. Or when we’re certain someone
is just brawn or boring even though objectively, they
do have a lot going for them. Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to
love different people to our initial types, when we find that
the qualities we like and the ones we very much fear can be found in different constellations from those we encountered in the people
who first thought us about affection long ago, in a childhood we should strive to understand and in many ways, free ourselves from.

To me this sounds a bit like – if you notice a person has flaws, he or she is a bad choice. Where is the line? Can you only accept a perfect person (who does not exist)? How crazy can you be to still be a good partner?

Did anyone understand the key in this video? Finding the difference between the familiar ways you have been loved (instinctual attraction), and the actual way you want to be loved (the qualities that you would be most happy with from someone) Will tell you what you are truly looking for in a partner. If you dont know the difference, you will continue to go after what you are familiar with, which hasn't worked if you are reading this.

We don't choose who out heart loves. We love who we love. We love our family because that's our heritage. Emotions are temporary. Never let someone take you away from yourself.

How about get to know the person before you start making out. Seriously, nowadays it seems like you got to make out with the girl instantly or she'll lose interest and think of you as someone asexual and not give you a chance if you take it slow and try to get to know her before

the wisest choice is to never trust anyone, because the heartless cunts will always leave you in the end.

To make someone to feel something just try to show your emotions to her or him. Like laughing, tear, little bit anger (in cute way)

This theme revolves areound ambivalences. Real desires for opposing attributes. Many of these opposing desires are immutable so the decision which to fulfill and which not is our only recourse. The Sandor Grau, MD booklet {A practitioner's Guide to What Works in Modern Psychotherapy} outlines the system of therapy that focuses on our ambivalences.

Perfect lovers are witty, intelligent, friendly, romantic, flirtatious, gentlemen with a genuine interest in you, generous, protective, good looking and with a certain irresistible je-ne-sais-quoi. They are also imaginary and tend to live in fiction land.

My takeaway from this – Don't trust your guts or instincts or love at first sight. Takw a pen and paper a free afternoon, to analyze, rationalize. The bad side of parents can be what we look for in a future mate. Because of familiarity, there is a cycle, a repetition.

Love is not a fucking mathematical equation. It’s a lot more complex than that!

If you meet someone who is almost perfect on paper for you but you don’t feel any physical attraction and emotional connection, what do you do? Force yourself to feel something? How can that make you happy? The other person would figure this out eventually and become hurt and resentful. How can this be right?

I think people who want marriage should marry someone they are at least attracted to so when romance is gone they can still get along. I'm not a professional on this but I think people should marry wisely to avoid divorce.

Agree to disagree, perhaps some looking for familiarity but not all. My ex was nothing like my parents and I thought I’ve met my life partner, however, he ended up to be complete opposite.
There are a lot of liars and manipulators, folks have to be educated on how to recognize abuse, Borderline, Narcissism, ASPD Sociopathy and Psychopathy.
They may appear completely charming and normal in the beginning but later stab you in the back and walk away like you never existed. So pay attention to how they treat and speak of others, they may put on a show initially in front of you but eventually the mask will slip.
It’s time to put romanticism and “fighting for love” slogans away and really see the person for who they are.
Don’t tolerate any disrespect, mind games or drama, it only gets worse overtime.
If person can’t have straightforward communication, lacks empathy towards others. Run! and never look back

I wanna have friends which can naturally help me to show more of my good qualities.

And love.. Well.. I wanna have someone to share everything but piece by piece. Such people have to give me this feeling of inner peace, calmness, time, reliability, stability and order… Things I usually loose several times a day.

I just want to overcome my feeling of being an inconsistent personality and then adventures, creativity and stories should be "our thing". I dreamed of such persons as long as i can remember, but it became too complicated for even normal friendships.

Intimacies of any kind and stable friendships are my main goal for now, but i don't know how to hold a friendship long enough..

Amazing video but I suggest using de esser to get rid of your sibilances when mixing the audio

Love is just evolution's con to get us to pair bond in order to successfully raise the next generation. Everyone I ever wanted either turned me down or were paired already. Obviously I am substandard breeding stock, so I have recused myself from the process. The only thing I hope for is a quiet life and easy death.

This mentioned that we’re limited by the kind of upbringing we had, but that not necessarily true. Just using psychotherapy which was mentioned in this video, one is able to see how there are unconscious propulsions towards suffering in order to unshackle the chains of past mistakes in parenting/relationships etc.. this way you don’t have to be limited by your past trauma, and can be free in being attracted to wider range of people that are healthier candidates for relationships.

This is all well, and good. BUT one big problem today is that there are more people living like chameleons. Holy shittt. Even if you live with them first then marry them, the color changes.

See the thing is right, that can be bad that you look for the type of people that you have already had in your life that give you the same type of affection if your parents were abusive or distant; however, with people such as myself that have been privileged with affectionate parents that treated me well all my life, we should trust our initial instincts to find the same type of person who shows deep compassion and affection for us. This kind of gave me a new perspective on parenting too, that if you treat your child right and give the right amount of compassion and affection, that snowballs in their life by giving them the right idea of what love should be like. Absolute bruh moment

I wonder if psychedelic experiences that break down initial behavior patterns also affect the type of people we fall in love with. Like if you had a crazy trip and before that you were attracted to the wrong type of people that hurt you does that change?

Choose a partner that makes you better (especially emotionally), not one that feels familiar. Boy did I learn this lesson the hard way 🤦‍♀️

I must have done something right. My wife is the complete opposite to my mother in both looks and personality. We have been together for over 23 years and still going strong. 🙂

But you can't choose who you fall in love with! That's my problem! I always get crushes on people I barely know, or that just don't want to know about me, instead of people who I think would make really nice life partners!

There’s a reason people don’t get attracted to “nice people” because such “nice people” are fake, desperate and mostly insecure that they do everything considering what people will think of them. They are far from being their authentic self. And such people become a pain in the ass later, by demanding the niceness back because of their fake and compulsive efforts of “looking nice”. They are not honest to other people and try to sugar coat everything in general. Not the best kind certainly

This shit is so fucking Freudian. You know, Freud the guy who did crack and just thought about things and wrote it down. The guy who literally never did any research except for when told people to say everything they thought with no direction or guidance. I mean what the school of life “teaches” SOUNDS about right but does he have any evidence that this is actually true? I’m not saying it’s not true, I’m just saying all these videos are just speculation.

The title "Choosing a partner"… imo should be renamed "Who we end up with". I've always found it interesting that when I choose someone I like, they don't like me. They like someone whom we think they could do better than, we can't understand why they like him instead of us. Kind of like J. Geils Band's song "Love Stinks". I used to think people did this just to be crappy. It did seem that way. And if there's a problem in our relationship, how often it is that your partner, instead of talking to us about it, tells our friends…who don't tell us, but let the marriage/relationship die, and never share your "problem" with their friend (you). And they don't even tell their friend. Ever…unless they hear about it second hand.

I think the idea that we try to find "familiarity" in relationship makes sense to me bcz I find funny male most attractive, and my dad is a very funny person.

And I also find friends who are caring very attractive (in a platonic way) which I think is bcz my mom is super (or even over-) caring.

It's funny cuz my dad is far from a good father (he cheated on my mom and so divorced) but I find humor really crucial for me. And my mom aint the perfect mom cuz she is a helicopter parent (which is why I left home and am living alone) – and I find this trait of my mom attractive when it is what my friends do!!!!

Familiarity theory makes sense eh

He should be strong where I'm weak and I should be strong where he is weak. We should need each other and get stronger together, instead of him just feeling familiar. Plus love romantically. Plus want to start a family together. Plus have similar values or principles.

Thanks to Dr.Kumola for helping me get my wife back, my wife started acting very weird, everything little thing she gets angry and she told me she wanted to move out. She finally moved out and things became hard for me I can't lie. I don't know what to do until I saw an advert of Dr.Kumola and how he helped people. I contacted his email ([email protected]) and told him everything. He assured me I will get her back after the spell. I did all the Prophet told me. My wife came home 2 days later, she said she did not know what got over her, we are back together Thanks to Dr.Kumola for bringing my wife back. Contact his email ([email protected]), he is a great Spell caster.

Simple, If your a woman, doesn’t matter, sue after marriage and pregnancy and your all set. if your a man, don’t

Oh well maybe you shouldn't allow some people to get divorces….just like some people's marriages and lives were always somebody else's fucking jokes maybe some attorneys with attitude problems and loose lips shouldn't grant divorces for some people I mean you think some people deserved what they got in life cause some people are fucking awful

Real/True Love is about Reality whereas “Carnal”/Normalised Love is about “Romance”/”Relativism” and similar Frivolities.

As such and if true, Real-Love is “Singularly-Natured”/”Innocence” whereas “Romance” is about being [at-least] “Dual-Natured”/Lacking-Innocence [LI]. You know, when LI means The-Ability-to “Engage-With” one’s “Frivolous-Desires”.

As such, Real-Romance happens after “Marriage”. Marriage, therefore, is NOT about marrying “The-Right-Wrong“ Type but about the maturity in handling”Unforseen-Circumstances”. Of course, it is adantageous to marry-into “Correctness” in the first instance. That of NOT desperately trying-to get into trouble in the first place in order to “Test one’s Maturity”.

This is why “Marriage” is “The-Test-of-Maturity”. ”Divorce” is allowed because having a “Lifetime” of Testing one’s ImMaturity could be “ One Test Too Many”. It is when “Divorce” is used for “Reversing-Mistakes” that “Divorce” becomes “A Bad Taste In The Mouth”, something “The Religiosity of Blindness” will NOT “Agree-To-At-Any-Cost”. For obvious reasons. You know, to promoting “Sexiness”/”InFidelity”, aka Fear-Greed, to Running-Amok. The-Moment when InSanity is able-to “Own”/”Sell” Sanity. That of Justifying-InSanity.

It is benevolent to be Conscious & Aware that Human-Life is relatively short and that no matter how one’s “Forever” is acccounted-for, ALL, “Born”, have to, “Die”. The reason why some 80-year-old “woman” should NOT behave like a 20-year-old.

ATTENTION Men and women. As a prerequisite, you must NEVER choose a partner who is:
-Smokes cigarettes, weed, or does any hard drugs
-Has excessive tattoos (one or two small ones are OK, but no more)
-Gets drunk on a weekday
-A single parent (widows are OK)
-Dresses very sexually or has a reputation for promiscuity
There! You just weeded out the bottom 75% of the opposite sex without even having to talk to them once. If you avoid people who engage in the above, there's a good chance your partner will be mentally stable and a good parent if you decide to have children with them.

Basically, this video is talking about Nurture during our birth through childhood. If we come from a bad family (50% of Americans divorce), we would most likely choose bad partners for relationships and marriage. Thus these people are doomed to repeat and suffer by listening to what they want when what they want is wrong for them. Also a child from a divorce family has the highest chance of having a divorce themselves. The same is true for a child from an abusive family.

Yet as I tend to choose the one that is nice to me, later I always found out they're just doing it to be polite and they'll basically be nice to everyone else. Same thing as the "bad boys" are also bad to everyone else.
So I guess there's no special one for me I'll just stay single and out of the troubles. ¯(°_o)/¯

It's really easy when you think about it. Never marry somebody you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without.

You need to ask your partner: what’ll you do if there comes a day when I loose my way? They should respond: I’ll STAY by you. PRAY for you. If it would help I’D EVEN DIE FOR YOU.

So many people are fickle and would not do these big things.

well… if we can develop such a mentality to be in a relationship with anyone, be it a boring, ugly or unfamiliar one, then why homosexuals cant chose the opposite sex to love? What is stopping them?


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