Finding God Through Music

I grew up in an awesome family with two
parents and two older sisters much older as I would joke who loved me very much
unconditionally also growing up as a pastor’s kid I got to learn about god
and his love for me but the older that I got I realized that I didn’t really
understand what that meant on a personal level and as I got older I became more
broken in the lack of a relationship with God until I reached a point where I
needed to hear God say he loved me I’m Anna I absolutely love music I love
vacations in the Sun I am NOT a winter person if it could be summer 24 hours
365 days a year that would make me a very happy person my dad was a pastor
and a musician we would love to sit and sing with him and he had a really cool
knack of making each of us feel like we were special and unique he was
everything to us it sounds silly to say to put that much into one person but he
was the one that we went to with our problems and to lose him felt like we
were losing a big part of our lifes I felt the loss of a very special
relationship I felt the lack of love in that sense
I think even as a kid I was always drawn to music I knew that I could sing and
was very quickly affirmed by others that this was a gift and felt like this was
my way to get closer to God I saw opportunities come up in church we were
quite a big church and so there was opportunities within you through young
adult or even sunday mornings to two lead and as much as I saw what I wanted
it never seemed within my grasp every time that I made steps forward to follow
a dreamer to say this is what I want to do I always felt like doors kept
shutting in my face I just I guess I felt like I tried to attain something
and i felt like i was doing all the right things to get there I was a good
person I was a good Christian I read my Bible I was extremely involved in all
areas and yet it didn’t matter what box I checked off it wasn’t enough it felt
like it was never enough and yeah I got into a place to sing I can’t do this
anymore I am tired of feeling like on the inside I feel rejected and never
good enough I feel like I’m a hot mess and yet I’m constantly trying to portray
someone to everybody else that’s perfect that has it together that is good enough
and I got to a place almost like a breaking point where I couldn’t take it
anymore and I remember just having a real honest moment with God and saying
I know you’re there but I don’t know you and I almost gave got an ultimatum that
night that feeling of god i will give you everything and i will open my heart
up and my life up to who you are and i will be obedient to listen to you but in
return i need to know that you love me and had a night of watching god come in
and wash away all of the garbage that i had kept inside for so long all of that
pain all of even the grieving of not really being able to let go that I
didn’t have a physical bad anymore the feelings of rejection I watched God’s
wash that away and in its place gives me such a peep that I’ll never be able to
put words to as I was laying there with my eyes
closed I saw a picture of two eyes with fire in them and I remember being
startled thinking what is this and hearing so clearly for the first time
God saves me this is my love that burns for you and in that moment it was the
first time I understood what it meant to be his kid that it wasn’t about a
checklist of things I needed to do for him that at the end of the day my
identity wasn’t found in being a perfect pastor’s daughter or being the best
worship leader or even in my singing abilities at the core of who I was my
identity was found of being his kids and that’s all I needed in that moment and
for the first time I understood his love that was the night I finally sat in
front of my keyboard and wrote my first song called the fathers of you you

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