EYE Divine Cybermancy: The Schizophrenic Sci-Fi Action RPG
- By : Oliver Santos
- Category : Articles, Blog
- Tags: action, and, Comedy, coop, cybermancy, divine, eye, EYE Divine Cibermancy, eye divine cybermancy, eye divine cybermancy review, gameplay, games, Gaming, Howard, indie, mandalore, Meme, memes, Obscure, pc, review, RPG, satire, scifi, shooter, sseth, sseth tzeentach, ssethtzeentach, ssseth, steam, the, Todd, Videogames, You
Hey there my dear fleshy mortals today
I’m going to show you EYE divine cybermancy, probably the best action game
ever made in this game you play as an agent of the
titular super secret-psychic-space Marine force tasked with killing cosmic
demons and overthrowing the government for reasons I don’t really understand.
You see the story is very very convoluted. The public consensus seems to
be that the game came about after a night of heavy psychedelic abuse during a
Warhammer 40k campaign… And then was badly translated from french. Allow me to
illustrate, here is an excerpt from the ingame lore archive, which supposedly,
describes how EYE, the organization, came to be. Shinji, the predator, and the wolf. It
will be her, because just like every Friday night, Shinji looks for a victim.
After a long and heavy dinner Shinji feels overly full, but he notices the beautiful young girl
and the frail young man that accompanies her have finished their feast, and are about to leave. Our killer follows them to the underground car park. After a short hesitation, he awkwardly slices the throat of the girl’s lover With a fast blow of Wakizashi. (Laugh) Nothing personnel kid. (Clears throat) The girl is terrorized and starts to howl. Not for long,
Shinji reaches for his electric club and knocks his victim cold. Just like every
Saturday, Shinji Tortures and rrrrrrrrrrr apes a woman in his cellar. Once his
sadistic pleasure completed, he decapitates the victim, with no loss of
emotion, and like every Sunday Shinji goes to bury the bloody mutilated body of
his victim in the Elato forest, which is venerated by the ancients, who called it the sanctuary. Shinji has accomplished the same ritual For twelve long years, ever since his return from the colonial wars. But today the
atmosphere is even stranger than normal suddenly he sees a white wolf on a small
hill, which looks at him fixedly. The wolf without opening his jaws communicating
as a spirit to spirit asks Shinji: “”What are you doing?” Frightened Shinji tries to
dissimulate his sinister deed, but then realizing the abnormality of the
speaking wolf he stops to answer the animal with a: “What in the?” Ok ok I’m
sorry. Enough of the voice. Shinji is now dead, the
wolf surely killed him, and yet he feels a pain in his throat.
Moreover he doesn’t feel peaceful nor free, but distressed. He feels his body as
if he’s imprisoned inside, his conscience sinks gradually into a dark rage, a pure
madness, even for him. A mysterious force seizes him. The incident, the destruction.
A man witnessed the murder in his jogging round, and… Ugh. ok here goes a short version. The
song gets quarantined and a cult forms around the sighting of the creature. They
send a secret organization to take care of the matter, and they find a messenger
from the demons which are called the metastreumonic force. They capture it. They then raid the forest but the operation is a failure and everyone dies. They use the
DNA of the messenger creature to create super soldiers, and they call the new
branch EYE. Finally they raid the forest again, and win this time. Hooray. So… WHO THE FUCK IS SHINJI AND WHY DID WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME READING ABOUT HIM COMMITTING MURDERAPE? Why was the government’s first reaction: “Haha, yeah, what if we splice that demon thing with the mercenaries
and see what happens?” What has this anything to do with the story of my character being stuck in a time because he killed his mentor and his wife? Who’re the Orus? They don’t show up! What the fuck is going on with the fraction between the Culters and the Jian? What the fuck happened in mars that killed two thirds of humanity? Who is the king of Mars? I DON’T GET IT! I DOOOOON’´T! FUUUUUUUUU- but holy shit is the gameplay good.
Ignore the story, just- it doesn’t exist ok? I’m trying to protect you here, but
you need to play the game. It’s just amazing. If you play your cards right by
abusing the game’s character creation menu, grinding, and/or exploiting the game’s
buggy nature, you can become a cyber ninja god.
The sheer flexibility of playstyles is outstanding, it’s like Deus Ex on meth.
And not just in terms of how you can build your character, but the approaches you can take to complete missions too. For example, here I am entering the local
McDonald’s to chat with my somali space pirate friends,
so that they can kill the enemies blocking me from recovering a stolen
cyberbrain with important info. All in exchange for letting them traffic sex
slaves undisturbed. The true anarcho-capitalist way. Talking about
flexibility, did you know you can kill enemies, or, yourself for that matter by
overdosing on medkits. Or that if you fail hacking a door, it will hack you
back and fry your brain. Oh also you can play co-op with your thirty two people at the same time. Never trust the last person to climb a ladder. He will kill everyone. My
only gripe in terms of gameplay is the AI sucks.
“Be careful of the Federation, they work well in groups.” Yeah right. So if you have
some free time, are bored, and don’t mind the occasional seizure, I highly
recommend EYE divine cybermancy. Exchange your soft and supple flesh for the
power of Japanese folded steel, and kill your drunk friend because he owes you
some sweet sweet brouzoufs. Holy weed man, and I’ll see you on the next one.