Christopher Columbus: Good God! with God
Articles
30


(God is making music with his mouth music) Hello, and welcome to Good God. I’m God, and today’s show is
brought to you by Peninsulas. They’re not quite islands,
but you know, there’s a lot of beauty there. I love them.
I made them. Check them out. Alright. Well today, in America
at least, they’re celebrating something
that’s called Columbus Day, and in honor of
that I decided to reach down into the depths of Hell,
and pull Christopher Columbus out of there to have a quick little chat
with Christopher Columbus. Hello Christopher.
How are you doing? (Chris speaks with an accent)
I’m a good, God. I’m very pleased that there is a holiday with
in my name in the East Indies. Look, you gotta let it go.
You did not find Asia. You found a whole new Continent. I find Asia. Everyone knew by the time you were
dead, that you didn’t find Asia. I know what I found.
I found Asia. I’m sorry I’m yelling God.
I know you’re not supposed to yell at God, but I got a bone to pick at you. Yeah-yeah, go ahead. – Christopher: Now God, when I die–
– God: Yeah. –I immediately ascend right up to heaven. Yeah, I remember that. Remember we hung out.
We made a big bud. You and me, we make lots of
clouds together. 400 years go by, and then
suddenly I’m plunged down to hell. (stammers) Why are you changing
your mind on Christopher? Why did you change your mind, man? Howard Zinn’s People’s History of
the United States. Howard Zinn?
He’s a communist. I was looking at it, and I was
like, “Oh my gosh. This is crazy. Columbus did all of this?”
And then I went back, because I can just go back in time,
and just look at stuff, gosh man, you were terrible.
You were like, a woman once just said something bad about you, and you had her tongue tied out, and she had to
run through the city naked. That’s so she can no longer say
a bad thing about me. You cut the nose, and ears
off of people just for like, saying the wrong thing, you know. (stammers) N-nothing.
N-nothing. Alright, Mr. DJ. All you do is you take things
away from me. You take away heaven. You take away my boats. You know that they put
me on a boat in hell too. – Chris: You know this?
– God: Naw, I haven’t… It’s a boat made of acid and spikes. It’s just spikes coated in acid,
and every time I try to touch the wheel my hands
burn off. Every one was writing the
king about how evil you were. There were a lot of letters,
journals. I did make a few mistakes.
Maybe I did a few things wrong. There you go.
You’re starting to realize. If I could do it again,
I would cut off all of their fingers. No. So they could not write any
letters back to you, back to the king, and then, none of
this would’ve happened. The hole that you are digging
for yourself is… Why am I in this cage?
What am I going to do? Am I going to break out? The last time that we brought
Judas up, and I had a chance to talk with him, we didn’t have
the cage, and he tried to rip my nose off. Judas is so funny. You’re friends with Judas? Judas is one of my best friends. Judas sucks man.
What do you like that Judas did? The stuff that he did for the
Romans, or whatever. Selling out Jesus for a
bag of coins? I respect that. – God: Holy crap–
– Chris: Christopher Columbus Day, who celebrates? I don’t know anybody… Everybody loves Christopher Columbus. I don’t think so.
I think everyone is kinda feeling weird about it. – Christopher: What?
– God: We now know so many Native people died, and that
kind of sucks. Are they taking away my day? They’re not taking it away yet. Do you wish I never discovered
the East Indies? I wish somebody else discovered
the East Indies. You hurt my feelings so much.
I’m in a cage. You can’t get more pathetic
than this. Just promise me, you’re not
going to take away my day. I can’t promise you that humans
won’t take away your day. C’mon! Gimme that tongue! Gimme that tongue! Gimme that–
C’mon! Gimme that tongue! Uh! Ah man, this is sad. Uh! Gimme that tongue!
Uh! Alright, well I think we’re going
to just have to call it there. This has been Good God.
I’m God, and I’m here with Christopher Columbus.
Thanks for being on the show. Do you have anything else
you want to say before I send you back down to hell? I’m gonna choppa your tongue off,
and I’m going to eat it. Just like I did the girls.
Just like I did the crew. Just like I did the governors.
I’m going to cut off your tongue, and I’m going to eat it. Okay. Once again, this show has
been brought to you by Peninsulas. They’re almost islands, not quite. That makes it nice, because
you can drive to them, and I like that. Peninsulas. I love them.
I made them. Alright, that’s the show. God out! (Funny or Die ending jingle)

This series is HILARIOUS!!!

I do miss his intro line from the first show (with Jared Fogel) though.
He said, "Welcome to Good-God with God, I'm God."

Since then he just says. "Welcome to Good-God, I'm God."
Just sayin'… 😉

More Good God. he seems like a decent sort of deity, as far as deities go, you know, rampaging authoritarian, megalomaniacal slaughterers. I work for one just not so friendly.

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